March 2012.
I have successfully made it to the second half of my chemo plan. It is late March and I am about to start the second drug in my protocol – Taxol. Taxol is bright red, ‘the red devil’ as I like to call it. The nurses at The Agency administer it directly into my veins using a syringe. This is to ensure that the chemo does not end up in the regular tissue. I am not clear on what the repercussions are, but I am pretty sure it is going to kill me if it does end up in my tissue. My resolve is starting to wane at this point and it is getting harder as each treatment passes. I still work part time, l trying to keep life normal. Dr. O has helped with the nausea bit by providing my anti-nausea drugs via IV prior to chemo, reducing the effects immensely.
I am completely bald now. Being the amazing friend that she is, Monica came to my house the day after I called and shaved my entire head. I was surprisingly calm. We both cried a little, but it wasn’t the massive bawl-fest that I had envisioned. I think that deep down I believed that the power of getting better was bigger than the shock of losing my hair. The funny part was that my hair didn’t actually fall out on Day 19 like I had anticipated. After my third round, I had a bad feeling that I had shaved my head for no good reason and that my hair was here to stay, even though it now resembled that of an army recruit. Why do I always have to be so organized? Why didn’t I just let it fall out like a normal person? I am such a Type-A control freak. Was this a lesson to be learned? I ask Dr. O about my hair dilemma, and she ensures me that it will fall out shortly. No, I do not have special super-powers that no one else has. Ha…little does she know that I will prove her wrong one-day.
This part of chemo is gruelling. My pain is 11 out of 10. I look sick and I feel sick. My delirious state talked me into stopping one of the painkillers that I was convinced was NOT working. Ha! What an idiot! Apparently, this was a lesson for me to learn. I stopped taking one drug and my pain became a 52 out of 10. I lie in bed, trying to find relief, but it eludes me. My nerves are extremely sensitive, which is also a side effect of the drugs. I struggle being out in public because of the sounds around me. It feels like I can hear every single sound in the world and I simply cannot deal with it. Carl and I have left multiple restaurants because the sound of a server putting cutlery away makes me feel like I am going insane. In general, I am a pretty calm person. Right now, my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t feel anything with my hands anymore. Every time I run a bath and check the temperature, I end up scalding my feet when I go to step in.
The irony is that I have never been sick from cancer until now. How could I seem so healthy and now my body is ready to give up on me? Cancer doesn’t make you sick. The cure that The Agency offers up so easily is what makes you sick. And if you are one of the lucky ones, you get through it. A lot of people don’t. That is the sad part. We think that we are getting cured, but we don’t really know for sure. When I buy an insurance policy, I do it because I know that I am going to be compensated when the time comes. I don’t for a second believe that I won’t get the insurance that I have invested in. Please don’t tell me that I am investing in an “insurance policy” when you don’t know for sure that it is going to work.
62.5% complete…..five done, three to go.
- Kim