November 2015.

Our time in Brannenburg is coming to an end. I have mixed emotions about going home. Obviously, I cannot wait to get home to Carl and Ava. The other side of me is afraid to go back to that world. I feel so safe here. I have come to realize that when I meet with Anthony or when I am at the German Klinik, I feel hopeful. When I visit The Agency, I feel hopeless. Why is that? It’s not like doctors at The Agency are terrible people telling me that I am going to die. It just seems like everyone there is dying and yet I know that this is not true. Why is the feeling so different? Hopeful versus hopeless.

These past few weeks have been truly healing not only for the cancer but also for the brain. Kelly used to tell me that she believed that she would not die from cancer. She was so confident and had no fear. I could not understand it. How could she NOT be afraid? Now, I get it. It’s as if the weight of cancer has been lifted from my shoulders. Being in Germany has allowed me the gift to see people live with cancer in the most vital way possible. Not one single person looks sick. Not one. I truly believe that I can not only manage cancer but that I can LIVE with it. Kelly always said that cancer is a chronic disease that can be managed and she was right. I get it now.

The real magic in Germany was not just one thing. It was the experience as a whole. It was the farmhouse, Krista’s family and friends, the beauty of the Bavarian alps and oh yeah, the sausage. I’m pretty sure that I was German in my past life. Hehe. It was the trips to Salzburg and the fresh apple chips from Annemarie’s kitchen. It was Regina’s fresh baked bread and baby Lina’s hysterical laugh. It was the Reindel’s singing in the catacombs in Salzburg and the restaurant where we had lunch that was built in 803. And mostly, it was visiting with the Huber’s and being a part of such a loving family.

The thought of living with cancer is so much clearer to me now. I can see that there are so many options available. The key is that it is not just one thing that will eradicate cancer. It is a combination of a zillion protocols. At the very core of it is the idea of improving your immune system. Cancer is a symptom of a problem in your body that needs to be corrected.

Although my scans have not shown much progress in terms of tumour shrinkage, my tumour markers are coming down. This is a good indication that I am responding to the treatments. It’s a good sign but is it enough?

Time will tell, I guess.

- Kim

Tumour Marker CA-15-3 = 50.0
Tumour Marker CEA = 2.6

photo: Krista McKeachie