alternatively speaking

October 2015.

Now that I am officially over the pure shock of finding out that my cancer is back, I realize that I need to take control of this situation. If I have learned anything from Kelly, it’s that you need to be your own advocate. It is time for me to take control of how this shit is about to go down.

The day after my mental breakdown, I realized that I needed to get my head on straight. Being hysterical certainly won’t help me in the long run. I sent Phil, my trainer, an email advising him of my new development. I showed up at the gym the next day, rocked to my very core. Phil handled me like a champ. Always his positive self and he took it a bit easier on me than usual. That one session with Phil was a God send. I walked in a devastated, terrified, damaged being and walked out a new woman. I cannot stress enough how important the simple gesture of exercising can be to the mindset in a situation like this. If you have cancer and your thoughts are overtaking your life, go sweat it out. It will make everything better.

Another mental blow came in August, right after I received my news, I found out that Kelly’s cancer had spread to her brain. Within two weeks, we lost her. I was devastated. I could not fathom how this could happen. I mean, she was the one that was lighting the path for the rest of us. She was our fearless leader. And now she was gone. I have lost a few people in my life and very few have been as significant as Kelly. I now had to walk this path without her and I was not entirely sure how I was going to do it. Kelly was one in a million and there will never be another like her. I am so incredibly blessed to have known her even for such a short time.

The first thing that Dr. O did back in July was switch my meds to the drug that the Germans had suggested back in 2013. I stopped taking Tamoxifen and started taking Letrezole, an aromatase inhibitor. I was definitely pissed. Had she changed it back in 2013, would I be in this position? The Germans knew that the Tamoxifen was not effective for me and she chose not to use that information. Now that cancer is all over my body, now you decide to change it? I am enraged. I confront her on this fact and she tells me that I don’t know if it would have made a difference. Well, I sure as hell know that it couldn’t be worse!

During the past 3 months, I have searched for treatments to help me. I returned to Dr. Sanjay for help. We started the regime up again, this time more aggressively. I could see that he had been rocked substantially in losing Kelly, like we all had. It had been a rough year for him and yet he was willing to dive back in and get me rolling. Dr. O had spoken about chemo as a potential option and Dr. Sanjay sent my blood off to Germany to have it tested for these 4 drugs. The results were bleak. All of the options were less than 10% effective for me. Again, bad news but good information. I now knew that these drugs were no longer on the table. No sense in wasting valuable time, right?

During the month of August, by shear luck, I met a woman, named Challamar, who was selling me a Cerra Water filter, one that alkalinizes your water. We got to chatting about cancer and she told me about the PEMF mat that she also sells. They use them in Germany to treat cancer patients. After a brief look into it, I decided to take the plunge and purchase the mat. I started using the mat every day and noticed a dramatic uptake in my energy level. Each time that I go to the gym, Phil can tell whether I’ve been on the mat. The idea behind the PEMF is that it regenerates your cells to operate at a level that cancer cannot live in. It reduces the damage caused by environment factors such as wireless, etc. It feels like I am going out on a limb with this one but what choice do I have? 

It has been 3 months since my recurrence and I am back at The Agency to check in on my progress. My second PET scan shows Dr O that the lungs and liver are stable but there has been progression in my bones. My tumour markers have increased as well. “The Letrezole is not working”, she tells me. It’s time to try another drug. I’ve watched my friends go through this too many times. A new drug every three months only to determine that it’s not working and then on to the next. The problem with this method is eventually you die. You run out of time and drugs and you are stabbing in the dark each time. Russian Roulette, if you will. Is this how a doctor would handle it if their life was on the line? Doubt it.

I look at Dr. O and with Kelly clearly at the forefront of my mind, I tell her that I am going to Germany for treatment. She looks non-plussed. “Well, if that is going to make you feel better, then you should go”, I explain to her that I lost three friends this year and the only one that out-survived her prognosis was the one that went to Germany. And she out-survived it by a long shot. This new path could not be more clear to me. I have no other option but to get myself to Germany. My head and heart are open to all options. If I’ve learned anything, the options that The Agency has for me are not working. They may for a short time but then what?

Let’s do this!

- Kim

Tumour Marker CA-15-3 = 113
Tumour Marker CEA = 11

 

photo: Unsplash | Joe Beck