back to human

March 2015.

Life is starting to return to normal. Physically, I look like I am back to my old self. My hair has grown in and I feel pretty good. The naturopathic treatments have done wonders in getting me back to my old self. They have restored my body back to almost normal.

I am on hiatus from seeing Dr. Sanjay.  There comes a point when you really need to make the transition from patient back to normal human. And believe me, it is a difficult transition to make. Cancer is an asshole. It takes all of your power from you and leaves you scared and useless. I am a pretty strong, independent person and yet cancer overtook me in a single moment. It had all of the control and I was simply along for the terrifying ride. Over the past few months, I have really struggled in cancer’s version of No Man’s Land. I want to move on desperately and yet I am stuck.

Last month, Kelly invited the pole dancers over to meet with the German doctor’s who had been in charge of her care for the past 12 years. It was a session where we each had the opportunity to ask questions and gain some understanding on what the best plan of action would be for all of us. The timing of the doctor’s visit was perfect. Both Char and Lindsay have had set backs in these past few months. Char’s cancer spread to her liver and Lindsay’s into her lymph nodes and bones. Scary shit. Everything that I have read says that once the cancer spreads, there is no eradicating it. It is here to stay until the end. I hate watching my friends go through this. How do you face the fact that you are going to die? How do we face each other? There are no words that can be said to make any sense of what is happening to us. My feelings come in two parts – heartbreak for my girlfriends that are way too young to be facing such a grim prognosis and terror for myself and for the future. Cancer does what it wants when it wants to. How do I know that my cancer is gone for good? Is it even possible that I am free and clear?

Dr. D from Germany asks me why I have discontinued my IV treatments. I explain that I am making the move to try and create some sanity for myself. Every time that I get poked for another IV, I still feel like a cancer patient. And the reality is, I want my old life back. I just want to be me and move past the last few intense years. Everything seems fine, I tell him. He is shocked when I share that The Agency does no follow up tests to check to see if I am clear. I explain that I have moved from having IVs to exercising. He nods pensively and agrees that the exercise will be a major addition to obtaining good health. Dr D. explains the importance of oxygenating the cells. It is as important as eating healthy. Stay with it, he tells me.

Ahhh…exercise. We go together like oil and water. I have never been someone that is into fitness…..EVER. I am pretty sure that I was born with cement feet and no abs. With that said, when the new year came around, I knew that I still needed to make some changes for my health and longevity. I was starting to slip back into my old ways…..a bit more sugar, a few more glasses of wine and not really eating as healthy as I should be. I could not be more out of shape. Tired all of the time, bad knees, muscle atrophy where I had the surgery and a sore back. Enough reasons for me to pop into my local gym looking for help.

At the end of January, I head into Innovative Fitness for a consult with Ben, their sales manager. I explain that my main goal is to make sure that my cancer does not come back. I want to be strong and healthy and I believe that what I do now will impact me now and for many years to come. He suggests that I come in three times per week to work with a personal trainer. Sign me up, Bennie! I am in! In my head, I think, I won’t last longer than three months but I am willing to give it a shot.

Ben is the most likeable guy. Although, when I ask him what happens if I cannot make it in, he tells me that he will come to my house to find me. Once I sign my contract, he is a lot more serious about my commitment level. Looking back, it was exactly what I needed. He’s done this before. He has seen all kinds of shenanigans from clients and I certainly wasn’t about to outsmart him with my lame excuses. We start my sessions by doing some basic movement patterns. Cement feet is the understatement of the century. Ben gets to me to 4 squats and 4 lunges and a few other simple movements. Why is he writing stuff down? And why do I suck so bad at this? I mean, I thought I was weak but I didn’t think that I was THIS pathetic. I am so far outside of my box, I have no clue about any of this stuff. My next 2 days are filled with excruciating pain. I can barely walk and I think that Ben is laughing at me….on the inside. The staff at Innovative Fitness are really great. When you are as low on the totem pole as I am, it can be extremely intimidating walking into a gym. Not here. Every visit is like walking into Cheers…where everyone knows your name. My time is filled with positive energy, good music and getting my body to start moving. Ben and Phil are god-sends. They are both supportive, encouraging and firm in handling me and all of the fears that I come with.

After two months of working my booty off, I am starting to feel a little different. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a weakling but I am not as tired. Where I used to feel like I needed a nap at two in the afternoon and would have some caffeine to keep myself going, now I feel pretty good and I use that time to get Lola out for a walk. Progress…it is slow and it is painful. My body hurts all of the time but in a good way.

Finally, I am on the upswing.

- Kim

 

photo: the internet