September 2001.
It’s a Monday. It’s also a Pro-D day. My youngest brother needs a new backpack. The last couple of months all of our focus had been on Mom, and any back-to-school shopping had been benched. So today we’re going to get a backpack and do some nice stuff together. It’s morning. I go to Mom and give her a kiss, telling her the plan for the day and that we will see her later in the afternoon. My boyfriend, brother and I set off for the ferry.
One of the first stops is a bike shop. These guys love their bikes so they run into the shop and I sit in the car and wait. As I sit there, I have this sensation in my body I’ve never felt before. A pressure, pushing my skin to my bones. Something isn’t right. I call Dad to check in. He says everyone’s good - Dr. P just finished doing acupuncture and our earth angel, Jack, has just arrived to do healing touch. Earth angel Jack is exactly that. The entire time Mom’s been sick, Jack has come every day. What a gift. He’ll also do it on any of us that need it. All is well. They are in their daily routine. I say goodbye and hang up.
The guys finish at the bike shop. We make another quick stop and decide to grab lunch. Sam’s Deli, the best sandwiches ever. We are standing in line and again I get that feeling. The immense pressure in my body. Within 10 seconds, my cell phone rings. My solar plexus aches. I feel like the air is being squeezed out of me. I walk outside. That moment. It’s here. Dad doesn’t even have to speak. No, no, no, no, no. That’s it. My throat closes. I can’t breathe. I want to throw up. Time stops. The world just stops. Now it’s just snippets. The view master. The string between moments is missing.
We are on the ferry. I am numb. Floating. I foggily see my aunts coming towards the car. I sob in their arms. Our family & closest friends are already there. They are going to spend a couple of hours in the harbour before coming up to the house. It gives us time alone as a nucleus.
The moment when you see a body and recognize that’s only a shell. Our Mom is gone. Her spirit is not there. You hear about this. And it’s true. Every ounce of it. This is my first time seeing a body with the soul no longer there, and it’s my Mom.
I pick out a special dress. A dirndl, in the most beautiful purple. Mom had it made the last time we were in Germany. She picked out the material, had it made for her, and she loved it.
Dad and I wash her body. I didn’t ever think about the fact that the blood settles. We dress her.
It’s the next morning. She’s been here through the night. There’s something comforting to have her with us. So much in life comes too soon - I can’t count the time times I’ve not wanted to leave somewhere or wanted someone to go because we’ve just been having such a wonderful time. You don’t want that joy to end. There are no words to describe how much I wanted her to stay with us - just a little longer - even though she was already gone.
- Krista
photo: Krista McKeachie