September 2012.
This is my new normal. The journey, as they call it, has ended. Now what? I spent nine months checking in at The Agency on a weekly basis. Now that it is complete, what happens next? I get my walking papers. “Congratulations, you are done! Go home and live your life.” That is what they all tell me. I’m good, better than good. I’m cancer free. When will my head catch up to the rest of the story? I don’t feel done, or ready for that matter, to be set free.
How are we going to monitor my progress? I will check in every six months and Dr. O will see how I feel.
Any other tests? I ask. Nope, we go by how you feel. In my head, I think, “By the time I feel bad, I am screwed.”
Intuition is the most powerful guiding force that we have. Just ask Oprah. It’s one of her main points when she gives a talk. Always listen to your intuition. There are a few key moments in the past nine months where I ignored my inside voice, mostly for the lack of knowing the right questions to ask. How can you be aware of what you don’t know.
While the process is over for everyone in my life, I just don’t feel normal. I have been deeply, mentally affected by making the transition to survivor. I see relief in the faces of my loved ones. Most of them are not afraid of being with me anymore. I spent months feeling like I made everyone uncomfortable just by being in the same room. While it was all happening, I truly believed that I handled it like a champ. And I suppose on some level, I did. Now, when we talk about it, I can see the terror, sadness and pain in their faces. They put on a good front when I was at my worst. Now that it’s over, they are starting to show some of their suffering.
The level of fear is indescribable and it reaches into my very core. The feeling is simple. I am afraid. Afraid of everything. Afraid to travel, afraid to get too comfortable in living life again. While I am overjoyed to be done with treatment, I cannot seem to move forward and away from fear. Cancer has taken over my life. When you are in treatment, it is the only relevant thing in your life. Cancer is all you think about and mostly all you talk about. I stayed off of the Internet for the simple fact that you cannot trust everything you read. Maybe my fear is a result of not having enough information. By not researching my disease and educating myself on all of the protocols that came my way, perhaps I made a mistake. I put my complete trust and faith in my oncologist, trusting that she had me on the right path. It will take time to heal, mentally and physically, and hopefully the fear will subside one day.
Today, there is relief all around. For them, but not for me.
- Kim
photo: selfie